


if i'd been more like you

by immaturities



Category: Persona 4
Genre: M/M, Other, RIP, forgive any typos my eyes are drooping, i keep writing at like 1am - 3am im sorry, idk what this is im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-26 20:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2666048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immaturities/pseuds/immaturities
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>narukami yu is a fuckin' confusing kid, and adachi doesn't really know what to make of him.</p><p>alternatively: adachi is confused, and yu is more than he deserves, and neither of them know it until it's all over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if i'd been more like you

Adachi was sure that Yu was already, consciously or not, aware that he wasn’t really the best person. Kind of a shitty person, really. But still, that damn kid gave him a smile he couldn’t read every time they saw each other--it was like the one that Amagi girl always seemed to give Yu himself. But he didn't notice those.

It was fucking weird, y'know? He didn't get what the kid's fascination with him was. And then he invited him over for dinner, and, well, Adachi made the sarcastic comment, one that'd been on his mind, and let it linger: "Well, I'd rather have a cute girl cooking for me."

And Yu got that same smile, soft, gentle, and it reached his eyes and lit up his entire face like he was some kind of damn angel. Adachi really doesn't know what the hell he was supposed to do with the affection the silver haired kid seemed to have for him. It was all he could do to keep from glancing at him constantly while he knelt at the table across from him, talking to Nanako.

He said softly at the door, after dinner, and while Nanako was getting ready for bed, "Thank you for coming over, Adachi-san. Nanako had a lot of fun."

"It's always good to see her. Nanako-chan is cute." He gave Yu a grin, shoving his hands into his pockets, "And it was a free meal. A poor bachelor like me can hardly turn that down."

"You should come by again." He said it in the same tone of voice, and it caught Adachi a little off guard, and he didn’t know what kind of expression to make. Yu wasn’t smiling, but his eyes were still soft--almost like a damn puppy. So he shrugged, and said, "Sure, if I've ever got time to kill."

He'd never seen someone light up before until he said that. Yu's face was like a lantern, and he looked like he might float away. Adachi shook his head and left.

.

(He was well aware that there was something off about Adachi. Really, he knew the entire time. But maybe that was part of the reason he kept talking to him. He liked danger. And he liked challenges. And Adachi was the biggest one he could have found. And, well, Yu hadn't been expecting to fall in love with him, but a lot of strange things were happening that year, so it was really just another weird event, and not nearly the weirdest.

But he knew. When Adachi's grin was too sharp, his eyes a little too cold, calculating, even with his jovial tone--he never ignored it, but instead always took note of it in a mental journal. Every slip of a mask, every sarcastic crack, all the jabs and wisecracks, and all the vaguely passive-aggressive words he laughed or spit or said, absently, sometimes to him, and sometimes to nothing.

Another thing that drew Yu in: Adachi had pretty eyes. He seemed to be the only one who thought so, but they were a nice colour. And they reflected every minute detail of who Adachi was--for better or for worse.)

.

It was snowing outside the TV, but it was foggy inside. His head was foggy, too. He wasn’t really entirely in control of himself, but it was exhilarating, in the worst kind of way. Like a drug high. The year’d already gone by, and he didn’t even remember where it all went, but those stupid kids knew everything now, and his game was ending. Nanako-chan had been thrown into the TV, she’d nearly died--or, _had_ died, briefly--and now they all knew what he’d done.

 _Adachi-san._ Silver hair, and neat clothes.

Fuck that kid. He’d dealt with his affections for the entire damn year, and he was _tired_. Tired of playing along, coming over for dinner, and tired of enjoying himself. Tired of feeling _fond_. And tired of letting Yu walk him to his apartment, allowing him to plant a feather light kiss on his cheekbone.

And during the confrontation at the hospital, Yu looked straight at him the entire time, never saying a word. His face was impassive, his eyes nearly black, and somehow that felt like a slap to the face more than anything else. He knew this would happen. They both knew, he was sure.

Ahh, his head hurt. Everything was too much damn trouble. He didn’t get butterflies, and he didn’t feel particularly warm, but he knew Yu was special, because the thought of killing him made bile rise in his throat. Damn.

.

(“You like _Adachi_?” Nanako asked, eyes round. Yu cleared his throat slightly, not entirely certain how Nanako had discovered this information.

“Um,” he answered.

“It’s a secret how I found out,” she said instantly, her face growing determined, “I swore.”

“Okay. I won’t ask.” He found himself smiling despite the situation. He still didn’t know how to answer her, though. He sat down on the other side of the coffee table, crossing his legs. Outside, the sky was already dark, and it was beginning to get cooler. Relief from the summer heat.

“But,” she said, “I do want to know. Do you like him? Can you like a boy?”

“Sure,” he said, wondering if Dojima had any kind of opinion on this subject, and if he’d be angry with him for talking to Nanako about it, “you can like anyone you want.”

“Like dad loved mom, right?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

She paused for a moment, frowning at the coffee table. Suddenly, she made a face.

“If you ever married him, he’d be my brother, too.”

Yu began to laugh. Of course that’d be the thing Nanako chose to be concerned about. She was so serious, nearly offended by the idea, but she sighed a little.

“I guess if you were happy, that’d be okay.” She raised her wide brown eyes to him again, “ _Does_ he make you happy?”

He paused, thinking. His hands were on the table, and it looked at his fingers for a moment while he debated with himself. Did Adachi make him _happy_? He hadn’t really thought about it. He didn’t actually even know why he liked him, or how it’d started. He just kind of noticed one day that Adachi made him smile, and he was wondering what it’d be like to hold his hand.

Finally, he said, “Yeah. He does.”

Satisfied, Nanako broke into a big smile, “Then that’s good enough for me!”

He felt his heart melt. He really did love his cousin.

A month later, she was kidnapped.)

.

When Yu walked into the room Mayumi Yamano died in by himself, Adachi had to sigh. What a predictable kid. Yu looked around, and then Adachi was behind him, and the entrance he’d just been looking at was gone. Adachi cocked his revolver at the base of Yu’s skull.

“Well” he drawled, “this is a problem. Why didn’t you bring the rest of ‘em? You didn’t even bring your wannabe detective friend.”

“I need to talk to you.” Yu spoke calmly, and his hands didn’t shake at all. Impressive for a kid of seventeen.

“To… what? Change my mind?” He gave a chuckle, “Don’t kid yourself.”

Yu spun quickly, and then Adachi was to his left, sitting on a chair with his legs crossed, bouncing the revolver up and down nonchalantly.

“Your whole gang should be here. You know,” he continued, smiling, “Work together? Beat the bad guy? Friendship, effort, victory… you guys love that stuff.”

Yu turned to face him. He still didn’t look hurt, but he said, “I believed in you.”

It made Adachi want to throw up. He felt his face fall flat as he said, “Oh, really. Just what was it about me that made you want to believe in me so bad?” He almost wanted to hear the answer. He thought he knew what it was, but some part of him wanted to hear Yu say it. He stood up, taking a step forward. “Well?”

Yu looked at him, still, and Adachi could see he wouldn’t answer. His lips were pressed tight, but he didn’t look angry, either. He didn’t look anything. It infuriated Adachi for a second, but he pressed it down.

“I don’t have anything to say to you. If crimes could be solved by appealing to morality, we wouldn’t need the police.” He took a breath, “The person you believed in was a version of me who only existed in your head. You decided on your own to believe in me, and that decision betrayed you. Why complain to me about it?”

“Is that what you’d say to Dojima?” Adachi almost snorted at him.

“You say the dumbest shit.”

“And what about Nanako?” Yu was looking right at him, through him, and his eyes seemed to be burning. That almost gave Adachi pause, but he pushed past.

“It’s people like you who come to me, thinking they can change me, who piss me off the most.” He leveled the muzzle of his gun at Yu, tilting his head slightly, turning his tone almost friendly. “What do you think will happen if I shoot you?”

“You can’t shoot me.” Yu didn’t smirk, and he didn’t smile, but his eyes were soft again, and Adachi could feel the bile again. Damn it, the kid was right. All the fog in his head couldn’t change that. But he wouldn’t let him see it.

“Wow, very optimistic!” He grinned, feeling it stretch his face in a way that nearly hurt, “Is your brain rotted or something?”

He fired the gun past Yu’s ear, breaking the window behind him. Yu never flinched, but Adachi can see the blood beginning to drip from his ear. It was a light graze, but Yu didn’t even notice. He continued to stare at him, nearly staring him down.

Adachi took several steps forward, aiming the gun at Yu’s throat, speaking more forcefully, “Do you get it now? We’re done talking.”

Yu blinked slowly, like he was thinking. Damn spacecase. Even he should get it. Just leave already.

“Next time,” Adachi said, to drive it home, ice on his lips, “I won’t miss.”

Still, Yu wasn’t afraid. He inclined his head, and Adachi felt something in his chest twist. What the hell was that? Yu finally flinched, like something had struck him. Adachi stopped himself from taking another step forward, and asking--

But Yu regained himself, and straightened again, looking at him a bit differently. He didn’t know what he was saying anymore, but eventually the kid left. Damn it. _Damn it._ He was so good at spouting shit, he even fooled himself sometimes.

.

(It was weird to realize, but Adachi felt a bit envious of those high school kids, having fun, and enjoying their youth. When he saw them all together, he made himself feel better by laughing at them, but sometimes--sometimes.

Of course, it was different when he saw that Hanamura kid and Yu joking around, talking close, and how soft Yu’s face was--fuck, it was completely different. Something like rage welled up in his chest, and he realized: he was jealous. God. He was _jealous_ of a teenager. God, he was losing it.

And he hated himself for raising his hand to wave at them from across the food court, and the relief that washed over him when Yu melted into his glowing smile upon seeing him. Hah. He was still number one.

...God, he was so fucked.)

.

“You know,” Adachi commented, breath clouding in the air, “You really don’t need to be walking me home. It should be the other way around. I’m the cop. And I’m older than you.”

Yu broke into a smile, and said, “But you’ve been helping Dojima and Nanako so much. I can at least help you carry your groceries home.”

“It’s two bags. I’m not that weak.”

He laughed. Adachi’s nose was red from the cold, and he had a red wool scarf around his neck. Truth be told, Yu thought he looked adorable, but he kept that to himself.

“I have nothing else to do.”

“Aha. The real reason comes out.” They turned down a quiet street not too far from Junes, and eventually stopped at a plain looking apartment building. Yu followed behind him up to the second floor, and to the fifth door, still holding the paper bag. It looked mostly like canned food, or tv dinners. Made sense for a single cop. Especially a young one, he thought. Adachi fumbled with his key for a second, and then got the door unlocked. He put the bag down on the step, and then turned and took the other from Yu’s arms before he could say anything.

“Thanks for your help, kid,” Adachi grinned at him, a bit sarcastically, “even though I really didn’t need it.”

“You’re welcome.”

Adachi shook his head. Yu took the chance to lean forward and kiss his cheek, and upon pulling back, studied his face--it was a queer look, and one he made every time. Not disgusted, and not angry, but maybe… annoyed? And puzzled. Whatever emotions it held, it was still cute. Yu turned and walked himself home, leaving a grumbling Adachi to slam his door.

.

And in the end of it all, Yu stood over him, worried about him, even after the beating, quiet as Yosuke and Kanji snarled at him. Then, he stepped forward, knelt beside him, and looked at him as he tried to breathe evenly. It hurt to even do that.

“...We have the same power, but things turned out so differently for us…” He didn’t know if he was bitter, or sad. It all felt the same. He was exhausted.

“It was because I had my friends,” he said, softly.

“Friends, huh? Hah… that’s the last thing I want to hear about right now.” He breathed, trying not to gasp, and before Yu could speak, continued, “But… maybe if I had been more like you… things wouldn’t have turned out this way.” A smile broke across his face, and it hurt, but it felt like the first genuine smile he’d given in god knows how many years. He almost felt like crying. How stupid.

Yu reached over and let his hand brush Adachi’s, but didn’t hold it. Just that one action made something in Adachi’s stomach bloom, and he felt calmer. More peaceful. Ah. What a pain.

Outside the TV, he was taken away. But he felt Yu’s eyes on him the entire time.

.

Adachi had been sent off to jail, and it was the last day Yu had in Inaba. It was strange. Everything had been wrapped up, but he didn’t really feel happy. He felt… off, somehow. Maybe because he was still worried about Adachi. He ran around town all day, giving his formal goodbyes to everyone, and nearly forgot the letter Nanako had handed to him as he left. He didn’t remember until sitting at the food court with everyone later.

Ah. He pulled it out, and paused, staring at the sender. Adachi. Yosuke announced it to the table, but he was only half listening. Pulling the letter out of the envelope, he carefully unfolded it, and began to read the contents out loud, until the end. He paused, as everyone else around him began to talk.

 _When I’m here, I think about Dojima-san, and Nanako-chan, and you. A lot. Though my time with you didn’t seem like much fun before… it’s strange._ His throat closed up a bit. How strange. He almost felt like crying in relief, but his eyes stayed clear. _Despite it all, I’m grateful to you. Thank you._

 _But let me just say this: you’re a dumbass._ He grinned a bit, trying not to laugh amid the discussion around him.

_You take the path you choose. And I’ll think about what that means to me, too. I doubt I’ll ever see you again… but stay healthy._

_Goodbye._

He felt his heart swelling, and he knew he’d gotten through to him. And somehow, despite everything, he almost loved him. Hah. He folded it again, and tucked it into his jacket pocket, before looking up and joining the discussion. Despite the goodbye, he felt okay, now. 

One more mystery before saying goodbye. A final adventure to fix everything.

.

Months later, Adachi got a letter. The guard tossed it at him with a sneer, and it fluttered to the ground in front of him after hitting his forehead. In neat letters written in black ink, it simply said, Adachi Tohru. He didn’t recognise the return address. Opening it, he removed plain white stationery, and quickly realized it was from that damn kid.

He really never gave up. Adachi smiled wide, snorting, and settled down on his shitty mat to read.

_Dear Adachi-san._

Formal as ever. Some things really never changed.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i want everyone to know i wrote this two nights in a row between midnight and 3am so it might be shit because i spent all night crying over adachi in ultimax and what a piece of Shit he is 
> 
> also. i watched his s.link again just for this. i love to die
> 
> this is maybe shit but do i care. probably not. goodnight. good boys and girls please get plenty of sleep


End file.
